want to forgive

By terrier on Tue, 07-13-10, 11:44

Posted in Group:

Infidelity

My husband had an affair 17 months ago with my friend. This woman came into our lives, we become friends, but little did both of us know she had more to her agenda. She got very close to my husband and I as she was going thru a divorce b/c her husband was having an affair. To make a long story short, I am trying to find a way to forgive my husband, but I can not. We have been married for 16 years now w/3 children. He is a man that I thought would never do this to me as my 1st husband had several affairs. He knew how bad it hurt me the 1st time so why on earth would he have an affair? He just does not get how badly he has hurt me and I am having trouble moving on. I have not told anyone about this and it is killing me inside b/c I have no one to talk to about this. I just need some advice about how to try to forgive. I am going thru the angry stage and do not want him the house, but he does not get the hint. What on earth do I do?

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By terrier on Tue, 07-13-10, 19:27

if anyone has any advice on how to find the strength to forgive I would really appreciate it. I just can not get the e-mails I read, the pictures of them together out of my head and so on and so on. I can not picture myself without him, but just can not forgive.

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By omward on Thu, 07-15-10, 18:43

To forgive is not easy, but essential in life's journey. Everyone experiences betrayals in life. We all need to learn to forgive in order to grown and evolve into loving people. I find forgiving is for myself, so that I don't hold on to resentment, anger, and hatred; these feelings will destroy the person holding on to them. Forgiveness releases us, allows us to move forward, without any negative feelings, which makes us sick over time. I find when I make things personal it's hard for me to forgive, but when I realize it had nothing to do about me, but what was going on within the other person's mind is where the problem lies. When I let it disturb my peace of mind, then it becomes my problem. All we can do is clean up our own mind, and bring joy and happiness to the world no matter how crappy people treat us. Don't let someone else's sick mind, disturb your happiness, don't let them ruin your life, it's easier said than done, but that is the test. I write to you from experience, a long time of being upset at others, allowing them to hurt me. No longer do I give them the power to do so. "Anger is like drinking poison, thinking that it will kill your enemy" It takes a heart of a lion to do this life, I wish you all the best, Take care.

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By terrier on Thu, 07-15-10, 19:11

Thank you so much for that advice. You are so right. If I keep letting this anger, hurt and other feelings inside of me, it IS going to destroy me. I have never stopped to realize that before now. The problem is disrupting my mind and is affecting my life with my children. This advice has touched my heart so much that I certainly do have alot to think about. I have got to clean up my mind about the affair and how it has hurt me so much. The other woman happened to be a friend of mine who was actually sick in the head and also bipolar. I never saw the signs until she checked herself into the mental hsp when my husband broke off the relationship for the 3rd time. She could not handle that and was drugging herself up. I have got to strongly say to myself that I am not going to be like her. That is not the type of person I am. I need to be STRONG and really focus on forgiving, b/c I really can not image my life without my husband. I am someone who can hold a gruge for a longtime, but I can not do that in this case as it is truly going to ruin me and my relationship w/my husband.
Again, thanks for much for the advice. I really do appreciate it and it truly meant a lot to me. I will keep your advice in my mind b/c I do need to more forward w/my life so that I can start having a wonderful life w/my husband and kids. I want us to get back to where we were before things went wrong. Please keep in touch as I do appreciate what you had to say. I do hope all is well with you. Take care for now.

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By Graywolf on Tue, 07-13-10, 19:58

What do you want to do? You do have to forgive, you do have to move on - for your own sake, those things have to happen, regardless of what happens to your marriage. But you've got to ask yourself in the meantime, what do you want to do?If you want this marriage to be over, don't waste time, end it. If you want to work through this, committ to working through it. I promise you, I'm not trying to be flippant or non-caring here, but it's much easier to forgive and move beyond a situation once you've decided what you want to do.

Many blessings!

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By terrier on Tue, 07-13-10, 20:19

You are right. In the beginning I wanted the marriage to work, but now I am just not so sure since I have not found a way to forgive. I just seem to keep getting upset all the time at him and that is not fair. He wants to have his family back, but why did he not want his family in the beginning of the affair? Our sex life was not great at all and he says he was seeking elsewhere. We were on shady terms when the affair first started, but can I honest trust he will never do it again? Not so sure. Thanks for writing back. I do appreciate it.

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By RCtrust on Fri, 09-17-10, 00:42

Your story is so muuh like mine I do want to forgive him. He is trying so hard to fix things but I can't put. It behind us. I never thought he would do something like this. Byy staying in the house together I feel like I'm letting him by with it.

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By domestic on Wed, 07-14-10, 13:55

as far as i can work out and my only guide to this is my sisterinlaw took my bro back years ago, she didnt so much forgive him as forgive herself for her choice to keep him, it was a bite your tongue situation for the rest of us but we had to respect her choice, it took years for them to be normal but somehow they managed to do it,

so i guess its whatever u feel right is right

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes

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By April on Thu, 07-15-10, 10:12

As long as your husband IS an OPEN WINDOW w/his life then trust will be eventually be regained & your suspicions will, with time be a distant bad memory as your brain goes through a series processes that he should acknowledge & discuss together w/you whenever YOU NEED to talk about it, that way it DOES help the healing process how ever long it takes, alot of people dont get that & wonder why the other person IS still hurting & want them to hurry up & get over it..... its not that easy/simple huh, so please keep talking w/us & take care of you.

April

Choose wisely, treat kindly

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By terrier on Thu, 07-15-10, 12:44

He is on open window. He tells me his every move now as to whether he has to go to a meeting etc., etc. Now he just wants to rush home after work and not have to stop anywhere even though he really needs to stop at Home Depot. He does not like to go anywhere now on his own. This is a process just as a recovery alcoholic program is a process. He has been very patient to that, or so he says, andI use to talk a lot about things w/him. There was a point where he said he did not want to hear it anymore b/c it hurts him too bad to know my feelings at that moment as feels so badly for hurting me. Do i believe him, not so much. I told him that I need to talk about when I need to and he should just listen as he is the one who caused the pain and heartache. I have never felt anything this bad in my life before and it is hard. I was at my breaking point a couple of days ago and just wanted to check myself into a hospital and just get some alone time to think. I really do appreciate your advice April and loved chatting with you. I will definitely keep in touch as you have put some thinking into my brain about things. Take care.

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By Lil_Dipper on Sun, 09-12-10, 14:50

He is right. Men do not want to hear our feelings because it makes them feel like cads. But I don't know if it hurts them because they feel for us, or because it bothers them to hear what should have been their conscience talking to them before the fact.
The other lady was needy. She couldn't face the harsh reality of her own divorce, so she sought solace in your husband of many years (someone who is obviously not afraid of commitment, which she probably would not find in the bars or dating sites).

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