Ok going to ask...this is what the marriage counselor, my counselor and another victim said...how do you agree and any success storys

for the short time I concidered taking my husband back I also felt like I was admitting that I was worth as little as he thought of me... I felt like I was saying "okay, I agree with you" and anyone who knew that he had cheated on me also got to know that I thought that little of myself... and that MUCH of him.

Man you just summed up everything I'm feeling and thinking I spend 2 to 3 hours every damn day reading about low life cheaters and why they do it and how I can make it better so she might not run to another guy again and let him inside her heart and body I understand it takes 2 to make it work and screw it up but in almost 18 yrs I never ran to anyone I faced whatever problems came along and I think most of the ppl in my situation feels that they're just tired of working so hard on something when the other person can just walk away and look elsewhere they should be the ones bringing up the conversations about what , why, when,and where and begging for forgiveness and thanking us everyday for not doing what they did and turn our backs on them and the vows of marriage not sure about anyone else but I'm walking on egg shells cause I'm scared of saying or doing the wrong thing and send her running right back into her world of lies and betrayal I guess I feel like I should be the one breaking down crying everytime this gets brought up and being comforted by her instead of vice versa

Yep. This all sucks. I am not w/o my faults in this. But basically my wife felt it was done and over with. So she got in a relationship and she felt sex is important in a relationship. So, had she done the respectful thing and left, she was going to have sex w/him any way. The problem is not that it was going to happen, that sucks in its own right, but that she just didnt have enough respect for me to be honest.That 8 months of my life were a lie. Every memory detail etc from June thru Dec 27th. All lies. Last night I was like look when are you going to try. Its going on 5 weeks and you act like hey I'm sorry just once is good enough. You heard from him how great you were and all that for weeks before you decided you were going to sleep with him. So why is it ok to act like well, I said I'm sorry and I love you and when I look for assurance you feel you've done it. You made him a priority for a period of time. You say you want this to work and you truely love me and are sorry, ok, dont you think its about time to make me the priority. Our daughter is the first priority but how about start working here. Again, we are being victimized a second time. Someone said we are the better people for taking them back, I dont know.....

N.D. I feel the exact same way. It has been 15 months since D-day and my wife still acts like that.
You should move your post to the Cheated on husbands post, almost all guys trying to get answers.

being the "better person" just reinforces my problems... always the one in control, always the perfectionist, always trying to look like the one who has it together... he's the one who fucks up and i'm the one who cleans up... those are the roles we learned... those roles suck. he reinforces them by continuing to fuck up, continuing to have me clean up... he trusts me, even says he loves me BECAUSE i'm trustworthy "i'm such a good person" but then resents me for it, he plays the role but then uses it as (one of the many) excuses to do hurtful stupid things to me and everyone else, his self-esteem sucks... well maybe it should because he's an asshole! I'm not going to "be the better person" by taking his crap anymore.

Didn't know about that posting. I will do so.

Vmmusa - ok not sure but I can't find that group. Any links?

"Men trying to reconcile after a cheating wife" is the post and it is in this group. I just thought you might get more answers and find the other responses helpful.
By the way, I agree total with your post. It will feel as if you are the only one doing the hard work because you are the one that was really hurt by the infidelity not your wife. She may feel bad but has no clue how devastating her actions were on you. I know my wife can't begin to understand the feelings I go through on a daily basis. You are right, it is not fair at all and that is one thing you will have to live with.

"Men trying to reconcile after a cheating wife" is the post and it is in this group. I just thought you might get more answers and find the other responses helpful.
By the way, I agree total with your post. It will feel as if you are the only one doing the hard work because you are the one that was really hurt by the infidelity not your wife. She may feel bad but has no clue how devastating her actions were on you. I know my wife can't begin to understand the feelings I go through on a daily basis. You are right, it is not fair at all and that is one thing you will have to live with.

Newly Devestated - I hear what you are saying, my cheating spouse told me last week on tuesday, that he needs me to show him the reason he fell in love with me. I told him, your the one who cheated and caused me all this pain, and why do I have to do the work to rebuild. He actually had the nerve to tell me he couldn't physically do this for me right now. But I think the real answer is, he doesn't want to do it right now. Yes, I have turned into the person who nags him, who asks him when he is going to fix things, when he is going to help me heal, and he said he is tired of that. He's tired of every time he reaches out to see me, or try to do something nice for me, I fight with him. I only fight with him becuase I am frustrated at what he has done, and he has no answers for me. I know I am letting my pride get in the way, but I am the one who moved out of our home, I am the one who had my life flipped upside down, and he jsut doesn't get it. He want's me to show him what we used to be, is this right or is it crazy!!!

But really, a counselor told you this is what needs to be done? He has made me feel like shit since the day he did this to me, and I still feel like shit 8 months later. Finally when I think I am moving on, he calls, and he pulls out every stop, but he only does this when he thinks I am gone. Why play the games, he is 37 years old, almost 38!!!! I am 30, I am done with the games. I mean is he that selfish that he cannot see what he has done. The crazy thing is, I still see no one past him, but he evidently saw someone past me. I wish I could say there relationship was just sex, but the more I find out things I find out its not. He just really has fun with this person, she's always in a great mood, she's friendly....and those are things I was until this happened. Now i am angry! And I hate being angry.