Need to Vent Again...

Long story short, dealing with aftermath of wife's 2nd affair. Found out in September and told her then & there I wanted divorce, wasn't going through this the rest of my life. She said she'd work on the marriage (heard it before), win me back even if we did divorce, got that this was all her, etc.

She's been doing counseling with the same counselor we saw last time. Unfortunately, I found out that during first round of counseling, while books/counselor were telling her absolutely no contact with other man, she was running to him to keep their lies straight. So I refuse to do marital counseling (obviously I've wavered on the divorce thing) since her actions make me think it was "all for show" last time.

I've moved out, moved back, said let's give it a try to see if anything is still there. Back home for a month, things were fine, but again, I feel like we're sweeping it under the rug because when things are fine it's never talked about. So I told her I need to move out again because I'm not going to have her just wait out my anger, like I feel she did last time.

Of course, while we're together (i.e., she's getting what she wants) she treats me great. When divorce is mentioned, or I ask things like, "what were you thinking when you did this or that?" an argument ensues. 5 months in, my anger and pain is still very, very raw, so during arguments I say some pretty mean things...not right but I think pretending nothing happened for a month without a "bad day" (i.e., the anniversary of our last D-Day coming and going during this, not to mention she doesn't even remember date, nor how long ago D-Day was).

So Friday I sat down and laid out my rules if she wants to be together (she texted me earlier that day that she didn't want divorce, but didn't know if our marriage was fixable). My rules were (I think) pretty simple: continue individual counseling, go to a 12 step program (not alcohol), IF I go to counseling on my own I decide when I'm ready, and basically I set the rules for reconciliation (again, everything we've read says this).

She asked when I needed an answer by, I said Monday so I could get out of lease on the apartment I rented. She said she'd like to talk to counselor (Tues is her next appointment). When I asked why, she said, because the counselor thinks I'm being verbally abusive to her. Again, say mean things at my lowest, angriest point? Yes. Is it right? No. But, I'm starting to feel like I'm being made the bad guy again (1st time I shouldered responsibility for not meeting her needs, this time I realized she's cheated in every serious relationship she's been in). At this point I kind of gave up, said don't bother...if the counselor thinks I'm verbally abusive and controlling you, please just remind her the emotional abuse (and yelling back I might add) you caused by having a 2nd affair.

Am I out of my mind here? I'm sure there's healthier ways to deal with a horrible day, but sometimes the anger/hurt needs to be expressed. This last time she's talking about, the argument only started when I asked the "what were you thinking question" (in tears) and she got defensive. Ugh.

Thanks for listening