Men trying to reconcile after a cheating wife.

I think marriage counseling/individual therapy can help you come to a decision on these issues. I think you need to frame it from this perspective-do you still love her, do you still want to have her in your life, can you look at her in the eye and see her as the woman you love, not as someone that had a affair? I think you have to stop thinking about how this reflects on you and how you will branded, it happened, the real question can you move past it and can you both build a better marriage going forward?

-CK

Shumi I am a woman and am 7 months out and am dealing with every one of those thoughts... accept not so much less of a man :) I do feel however, that by taking him back that I am teaching my children not to respect themselves... because my thoughts have always been "dont you respect yourself enough to demand better?" I know I have my good days... and the bad seem to get further and further apart... my fear... the day I die I still feel like I was never good enough to be faithful to. That ever man in my life has cheated, so there is obviously something wrong with me. That I will be in a loveless marriage forever. He now says he is falling back in love with me.... but I feel nothing. I love him (we have kids together and a home) but in love was long gone when I heard her tell me she made love to my husband... No it was gone when I read the text... I want to spend time alone with my mexican before we go to bed. I hate him with every part of me. I hope things will get better... I hope there is a light at the end of all of our tunnels... My worry... it will never be the same.

Nikki,

My wife was with a Italian. Now I devert my eyes when seeing anything Italian (in the grocery store, by restaurants, ect) . I feel like I'm reminded all the time of her cheating and even when I'm having a good day, it can change in a instant. Are you going through the same thing? I can't seem to get past the pain that can come anytime, anywhere and ruin my day. I worry that, it will be this way forever. I will always be a shell of what I was unless I move on. My wife is a good person and I don't want to put her through a lifetime with a man that can't get over her mistake and I don't want to be in a marriage that never gets back to where it was. I thought we'd be healing more at this point but, it seems worse. Trust is gone on both sides and our time together is tense and sad. I think people are all different and some can cope with this and some can't. I'm afraid I can't even though I want to. I'm still hanging on to hope but it feels slippery and doesn't stay with me for long. I will always love her and feel sorry for her, she can't take back what she did and will always regret what she's put our family through. I wish I was stronger but I have a tender heart.

I know some couples that have survived this over a long time frame (years) w/individual therapy to help guide them through their feelings (the ins & outs), its a long process & if you feel in your heart your not the type to be capable of wading through this then would be wise to tell her this, but only after you've answered CKs questions for yourself.

Think about it friend, think about what you really want from this relationship & which way you want to steer it. This can all be rewritten if you want to do the work TOGETHER.

My husband cheated with a woman at work... every time I see an ambulance I feel ill. Every time time that he goes to work I feel ill and angry. I have been finding out how many guys at his work cheat through talking to my best friend who also works there.... IT IS DISGUSTING!!!! These people spend 24 hours together (yes they all sleep under the same roof) It just gives them an environment for stupid. Honestly, I have my days where I just want to burn the damn place to the ground. I want to go in there and get everyone fired.... They are all a bunch of disgusting whores that cant keep there stuff to themselves when they all have families at home loving them!!!!! Which in turn has all turned me into this controlling wife.... I am not proud but it is the only thing that makes me feel remotely safe. It will be years before I am better... before I will ever feel like I am good enough. I think my marriage will suck until I feel that way, that I am good enough ever again. Because now I feel like I was never good enough, that every memory that was good was a lie. BTW 2 days from now is our 2 year wed anniversary. Do I feel like doing anything? NO In fact I invited our best friend over to watch scary movies with us, why? Because I have NOTHING to celebrate.... Just realized I think I am bitter!!!

hi, i've just recently gotten divorced, but been separated for 3 long painful years.

you know when woman are pregnant, you'll very often hear them say, "no one told me about this or that etc!"

well i'm here to tell you, "no one told me or could have told me" how hurtful divorce would be, sure i know people who got divorced, but i NEVER saw what i went through.. it all looked so painless... It's not, and i wish i knew then what i know now!!! all the money cant buy me a time machine (katy perry)

i think what i'm trying to say, if there is any way you can save this marriage, and you want to because you still love her and she still loves you, please please try, there is nothing harder or hurtful then seeing someone you love sharing a life you could have had, with someone else.:(

Forgiveness is a choice! it does not say you didnt get hurt or your feelings arent valid... or that what they did is ok.... forgiveness is something wonderful (a gift) you give yourself...
i believe with all my heart if both want, the marriage can be saved... and restored... you can choose to focus on what has been done and remind yourself, or you can choose to be happy you still have your marriage! i would choose the later, a hundred times over... i still love my husband, he has been with another woman for the last 3 yrs, we were married 20 yrs and i've been with him 25yrs... we did alot wrong in my marriage, i know better now and given the chance i would grab it tomorrow to have it all back, to not have hurt my children the way i did, my family his family, him and myself.... of all i got hurt the most and live with regret and if onlys.
years ago i would be the first to say, just leave him>her, today i'm a different person, and i would never say that...
i have fought hard for my marriage, prayed hard, cried alot... it still ended... but i'm proud to be an example to my kids to fight for someone you love and not give up on them... we all make mistakes.... but i hope i have been an example for my kids when they are married oneday and go through some stuff... divorce is not an easy answer... it's not the only answer....
i'm not sure i answered anything you wondered about, but i just felt i had to say this.... it hurts.... everyday it hurts.... i cant turn back the time... no amount of loving him changes were we are, you can sometimes only fix the situation while you still in it, once you leave you make place for someone else...
if you can find books read them, dvd's watch them.... anything worth fighting for is worth fighting for....
it's not an easy road, neither are... but maybe one that is worth it... if, so many woman can forgive a cheating husband and sometimes even have a happier marriage afterwards a stronger one etc.... then maybe men can do it too... we are all capable of forgiveness and love, and all deserve a second chance.. i wish you all the best...

i know everyones situtuation is different, i just spoke from mine...

Hello shumi I'm really sorry to hear about your wife making a really bad choice. I am am 14 months out from finding out my wife was having a 6 month affair. I wish I could tell you it gets easier but honestly I don't think it does, yes I stopped thinking about it every moment of every day but the feelings I have when I do thinks of her having the affair are as strong as the day I found out. Now when I think about the affair I am clear headed and it is even harder to cope with the fact of what she did.
I will give you my opinion on your questions. I just what you to know that you are not alone with how you feel, but it was not your fault that she had an affair it is a fault within your wife.

How long do you think you should keep trying?

As long as you think you can and as long as you think you might forgive her someday.

Do you believe you can have a better marriage?

No. I think an affair totally destroys what a marriage should be and a marriage can never be better off after an affair. You can learn how to meet each others needs and learn from the affair but I don't believe it makes a marriage stronger. ( if that was the case it would be recommended every marriage should have an affair).

Are reminders always going to be a issue?

I know for me the reminders are the worse part of the whole thing. I always trusted my wife and never thought she was the type of person that would have an affair, but now every reminder is a slap in the face of the fact that she did betray me.

Do you feel like less of a man for taking her back?

Yes, I feel like I was not good enough for her and why is it, after I found out she was cheating she now thinks I am good enough? I am still the same person, with all my faults and good and bad qualities. I think when a wife cheats our ego is crushed and I don't know if it can ever be built up by her again. And when they try it feels contrived and fake.

Do you feel like you are being blamed for not being perfect?

Not really, my wife did blame me for not meeting her emotional needs and she says that is why she had the affair but I am not willing to accept any of the responsibility for her having sex with someone else. Like I said before it is a fault in her character that caused her to make a bad choice/choices. It is not my character and morals that caused her to cheat. Your wife may blame you but you have to remember none of us are perfect, but you did not go outside of the marriage to try to fix a problem in your marriage.

I hope this helps and I pray you (and I) can get past the triggers and one day be able to feel way we used to feel for our wife's. I know what you are going through and hope we can learn from each other and maybe get past this and be happy again one day.
Good luck.

Thanks for all the input- I had all but lost hope recently. I still have some left and hopefully it's enough to get me to a better place. At times we are still good together, usually for a few days. Then, it's like I wake up one day and I realize what a shitty thing she has done to me and I start feeling like I deserve better. In truth, I deserve better than this, but not better than her. She's a good person that made a bad mistake and forgot what a great thing we have had. She cries alot and is trying to fix as much as she can. I worry that I won't recover and will start to look elsewhere for someone. I'm not doing that yet, but, know that the door is starting to open. I didn't ever look at other women any differently than a guy. I wasn't interested and happily married. Now, I find myself curious and more attracted to girls that flirt with me. This leaves me feeling like I may not be able to be faithful in the future. So, far I have been true to my vows and would rather have us end now than go through this later with me being the cheater. We are each seeing shrinks and seeing a MC every week.

Man I've been a member on this site for about an hour and y'all (yes I said y'all I'm a cajun from Louisiana) have made such a difference I've been torn between the love and anger I have towards my wife I felt the love which is real has felt forced to an extent but then I feel its wrong to be so angry with someone I love so deeply just can't seem to figure out which emotion is really stronger right now