I think marriage counseling/individual therapy can help you come to a decision on these issues. I think you need to frame it from this perspective-do you still love her, do you still want to have her in your life, can you look at her in the eye and see her as the woman you love, not as someone that had a affair? I think you have to stop thinking about how this reflects on you and how you will branded, it happened, the real question can you move past it and can you both build a better marriage going forward?

-CK

Shumi I am a woman and am 7 months out and am dealing with every one of those thoughts... accept not so much less of a man :) I do feel however, that by taking him back that I am teaching my children not to respect themselves... because my thoughts have always been "dont you respect yourself enough to demand better?" I know I have my good days... and the bad seem to get further and further apart... my fear... the day I die I still feel like I was never good enough to be faithful to. That ever man in my life has cheated, so there is obviously something wrong with me. That I will be in a loveless marriage forever. He now says he is falling back in love with me.... but I feel nothing. I love him (we have kids together and a home) but in love was long gone when I heard her tell me she made love to my husband... No it was gone when I read the text... I want to spend time alone with my mexican before we go to bed. I hate him with every part of me. I hope things will get better... I hope there is a light at the end of all of our tunnels... My worry... it will never be the same.

Nikki,

My wife was with a Italian. Now I devert my eyes when seeing anything Italian (in the grocery store, by restaurants, ect) . I feel like I'm reminded all the time of her cheating and even when I'm having a good day, it can change in a instant. Are you going through the same thing? I can't seem to get past the pain that can come anytime, anywhere and ruin my day. I worry that, it will be this way forever. I will always be a shell of what I was unless I move on. My wife is a good person and I don't want to put her through a lifetime with a man that can't get over her mistake and I don't want to be in a marriage that never gets back to where it was. I thought we'd be healing more at this point but, it seems worse. Trust is gone on both sides and our time together is tense and sad. I think people are all different and some can cope with this and some can't. I'm afraid I can't even though I want to. I'm still hanging on to hope but it feels slippery and doesn't stay with me for long. I will always love her and feel sorry for her, she can't take back what she did and will always regret what she's put our family through. I wish I was stronger but I have a tender heart.

I know some couples that have survived this over a long time frame (years) w/individual therapy to help guide them through their feelings (the ins & outs), its a long process & if you feel in your heart your not the type to be capable of wading through this then would be wise to tell her this, but only after you've answered CKs questions for yourself.

Think about it friend, think about what you really want from this relationship & which way you want to steer it. This can all be rewritten if you want to do the work TOGETHER.

My husband cheated with a woman at work... every time I see an ambulance I feel ill. Every time time that he goes to work I feel ill and angry. I have been finding out how many guys at his work cheat through talking to my best friend who also works there.... IT IS DISGUSTING!!!! These people spend 24 hours together (yes they all sleep under the same roof) It just gives them an environment for stupid. Honestly, I have my days where I just want to burn the damn place to the ground. I want to go in there and get everyone fired.... They are all a bunch of disgusting whores that cant keep there stuff to themselves when they all have families at home loving them!!!!! Which in turn has all turned me into this controlling wife.... I am not proud but it is the only thing that makes me feel remotely safe. It will be years before I am better... before I will ever feel like I am good enough. I think my marriage will suck until I feel that way, that I am good enough ever again. Because now I feel like I was never good enough, that every memory that was good was a lie. BTW 2 days from now is our 2 year wed anniversary. Do I feel like doing anything? NO In fact I invited our best friend over to watch scary movies with us, why? Because I have NOTHING to celebrate.... Just realized I think I am bitter!!!

hi, i've just recently gotten divorced, but been separated for 3 long painful years.

you know when woman are pregnant, you'll very often hear them say, "no one told me about this or that etc!"

well i'm here to tell you, "no one told me or could have told me" how hurtful divorce would be, sure i know people who got divorced, but i NEVER saw what i went through.. it all looked so painless... It's not, and i wish i knew then what i know now!!! all the money cant buy me a time machine (katy perry)

i think what i'm trying to say, if there is any way you can save this marriage, and you want to because you still love her and she still loves you, please please try, there is nothing harder or hurtful then seeing someone you love sharing a life you could have had, with someone else.:(

Forgiveness is a choice! it does not say you didnt get hurt or your feelings arent valid... or that what they did is ok.... forgiveness is something wonderful (a gift) you give yourself...
i believe with all my heart if both want, the marriage can be saved... and restored... you can choose to focus on what has been done and remind yourself, or you can choose to be happy you still have your marriage! i would choose the later, a hundred times over... i still love my husband, he has been with another woman for the last 3 yrs, we were married 20 yrs and i've been with him 25yrs... we did alot wrong in my marriage, i know better now and given the chance i would grab it tomorrow to have it all back, to not have hurt my children the way i did, my family his family, him and myself.... of all i got hurt the most and live with regret and if onlys.
years ago i would be the first to say, just leave him>her, today i'm a different person, and i would never say that...
i have fought hard for my marriage, prayed hard, cried alot... it still ended... but i'm proud to be an example to my kids to fight for someone you love and not give up on them... we all make mistakes.... but i hope i have been an example for my kids when they are married oneday and go through some stuff... divorce is not an easy answer... it's not the only answer....
i'm not sure i answered anything you wondered about, but i just felt i had to say this.... it hurts.... everyday it hurts.... i cant turn back the time... no amount of loving him changes were we are, you can sometimes only fix the situation while you still in it, once you leave you make place for someone else...
if you can find books read them, dvd's watch them.... anything worth fighting for is worth fighting for....
it's not an easy road, neither are... but maybe one that is worth it... if, so many woman can forgive a cheating husband and sometimes even have a happier marriage afterwards a stronger one etc.... then maybe men can do it too... we are all capable of forgiveness and love, and all deserve a second chance.. i wish you all the best...

i know everyones situtuation is different, i just spoke from mine...

Hello shumi I'm really sorry to hear about your wife making a really bad choice. I am am 14 months out from finding out my wife was having a 6 month affair. I wish I could tell you it gets easier but honestly I don't think it does, yes I stopped thinking about it every moment of every day but the feelings I have when I do thinks of her having the affair are as strong as the day I found out. Now when I think about the affair I am clear headed and it is even harder to cope with the fact of what she did.
I will give you my opinion on your questions. I just what you to know that you are not alone with how you feel, but it was not your fault that she had an affair it is a fault within your wife.

How long do you think you should keep trying?

As long as you think you can and as long as you think you might forgive her someday.

Do you believe you can have a better marriage?

No. I think an affair totally destroys what a marriage should be and a marriage can never be better off after an affair. You can learn how to meet each others needs and learn from the affair but I don't believe it makes a marriage stronger. ( if that was the case it would be recommended every marriage should have an affair).

Are reminders always going to be a issue?

I know for me the reminders are the worse part of the whole thing. I always trusted my wife and never thought she was the type of person that would have an affair, but now every reminder is a slap in the face of the fact that she did betray me.

Do you feel like less of a man for taking her back?

Yes, I feel like I was not good enough for her and why is it, after I found out she was cheating she now thinks I am good enough? I am still the same person, with all my faults and good and bad qualities. I think when a wife cheats our ego is crushed and I don't know if it can ever be built up by her again. And when they try it feels contrived and fake.

Do you feel like you are being blamed for not being perfect?

Not really, my wife did blame me for not meeting her emotional needs and she says that is why she had the affair but I am not willing to accept any of the responsibility for her having sex with someone else. Like I said before it is a fault in her character that caused her to make a bad choice/choices. It is not my character and morals that caused her to cheat. Your wife may blame you but you have to remember none of us are perfect, but you did not go outside of the marriage to try to fix a problem in your marriage.

I hope this helps and I pray you (and I) can get past the triggers and one day be able to feel way we used to feel for our wife's. I know what you are going through and hope we can learn from each other and maybe get past this and be happy again one day.
Good luck.

Thanks for all the input- I had all but lost hope recently. I still have some left and hopefully it's enough to get me to a better place. At times we are still good together, usually for a few days. Then, it's like I wake up one day and I realize what a shitty thing she has done to me and I start feeling like I deserve better. In truth, I deserve better than this, but not better than her. She's a good person that made a bad mistake and forgot what a great thing we have had. She cries alot and is trying to fix as much as she can. I worry that I won't recover and will start to look elsewhere for someone. I'm not doing that yet, but, know that the door is starting to open. I didn't ever look at other women any differently than a guy. I wasn't interested and happily married. Now, I find myself curious and more attracted to girls that flirt with me. This leaves me feeling like I may not be able to be faithful in the future. So, far I have been true to my vows and would rather have us end now than go through this later with me being the cheater. We are each seeing shrinks and seeing a MC every week.

Man I've been a member on this site for about an hour and y'all (yes I said y'all I'm a cajun from Louisiana) have made such a difference I've been torn between the love and anger I have towards my wife I felt the love which is real has felt forced to an extent but then I feel its wrong to be so angry with someone I love so deeply just can't seem to figure out which emotion is really stronger right now

Jay, Welcome & it is a long process full of "Ah Ha" moments that come in & out of focus over time. DO give yourself much needed time to think it through & which path to take while you continue to talk, vent or rant here w/us.

Well thanks for the welcome to the group I've been reading post for close to the 12 hours I've been at work shh don't tell my boss but I've been picking apart my anger piece by piece and talking to my wife throughout the day and we've made huge amounts of progress I've realized I had nothing to do with her going to this guy she built me up to be this controling monster of a husband cause when she made a mistake and I asked her to sit and talk and me being her friend would give her blunt honest opinions or advice about how she was acting and how a married woman should act to show respect to herself her husband and her marriage she took it as me trying to control her cause somewhere along the way she forgot I am first and formost her bestfriend

I am the wife and I was a cheater. My husband and I split up for almost a year and when we got back together I told him about my infidelity. I should have told him everything at once but I was scared to lose him. I love him very much and would never cheat again. I will do whatever I can but I think it is too late.

queenb - Welcome & thank you for joining SG. My hats off to you for leaving no stone unturned in doing everything possible to save your marriage while learning more about yourself from the unfortunate decision of turning away from your partner.

Please continue with us as this will be a useful tool for many out there on seeing both sides.

I don't want to leave. I know I have no right to ask that of my husband but I want to stay. What can I do. I know he needs time but I can't stop begging and telling him I love him.

He has to heal in his own time frame, preferably w/counseling to guide him through what hes experiencing, which your aware, is a great loss. Dont beg him, just continue showing him, by your actions & let him come to you if & when he has something he needs to ask you about this situation. All you can do is to continue being as supportive as possible, for as long as it takes while he wades in & out of the ups & downs emotionally & learns how to, eventually, trust you again because your going to be a "Picture Window" now w/nothing to hide, correct?????????

Its a process, a long process & everyone is different as to how long it take for them to feel a bit better huh.

He may be repulsed/pissed/depressed/confused right now & has every right to feel what hes feeling & question (in his mind) who his partner really is. Just go with it hon, best you can, I've seen folks make it through this, so you never really know huh.

Keep talking with us, we're listening to you.

So we got back from the MC today and this was a tough one. My wife has let me ask questions throughout this ordeal but having a bunch of different answers to things wasn't giving me the story of what happened. So, I asked for the story and got it.
The Good- I at least have a storyline to what happened and its order -
The Bad - It was more than I thought on a relationship level (more time spent together than I thought, maybe more feelings too)

I'm suffering tonight but, I asked for it and hope in the long run it will keep me from trying to piece together a bunch of answers into a story in my head. We made love for the first time in a while after we got home. I was trying for the past week to start seeing her as just a friend but, I'm not so good at that. I don't really know what we are now. Some days were like strangers, some days friends, some days a married couple. It's confusing for us both. I still don't have any idea what I'm going to do STAY or GO?? I have days where I feel strongly I'm leaving and days when I feel strongly I'm staying, but most days I'm in the middle.

She reads these posts now and has posted some of her own. Some of my posts have hurt her and I feel bad for revealing some of true feelings here instead of telling her.

shumi, I feel the same way and by reading your and others posts I know it is normal for me to feel that way. I feel like she is a stranger some times and I'm just waiting to get that feeling back that was lost after she cheated. We have had some heated arguments over the past year and like you on some days I feel like getting a divorce and calling it quits. And other days I feel fine. It is the ups and downs that I hate, I wish that would stop.
It is nice that you can make love to her again. We have had sex but I still have a real problem with feeling that closeness I once felt. I want that back.
Stay strong...

vmmusa - thanks for your posts. I guess I'm in a wait and see mode. I want to know I'm strong enough to walk away if it's what I have to do to be happy. Sometimes it seems impossible to imagine my life without her. We've been such a good team for so long. We are seperated 5 days a week right now, which was my idea. I wanted to have some space to be alone. We are still being faithful to our marriage and there are moments when we still feel in love.

Thanks for making this post . I think it is a great idea for a post for men that are going through the same thing.
Shumi, I think the time apart is good for a while but the longer you stay apart the easier it will be to stay apart. My brother left his wife of 25 years and after being apart for about a year he realized he made a mistake and wanted to go back, but by then his wife moved on and did not want him any longer. She really loved him but the time they were apart she learned to live without him and I guess did not want to take the chance on him cheating again.
My point is the you should be trying to spend quality time together, go on dates, talk, do some activities together, just try to build the trust and friendship again, and then maybe spend more time in the same house.
Good luck,

I think thats kinda the plan. We are planning a few trips together and in a way backtracking to be able to start over. Whatever we had is gone for the most part as far as I'm concerned. We don't have the foundation of trust and faithfulness anymore which is what you have when you start a new relationship with someone. I/ we have to start over. That's why I wanted to be seperated. We will either start ourselves over with building a new relationship together or we will go our seperate ways. I'm prepared for either. I feel bad for your brother, I hope he finds someone new. I think this seperation should last at least 3 months and by the end of march we will take some time to reflect and see which way to go.

Here's a few things that have helped us.

We keep a communication log where we write to each other
We try to take a trip together every month (weekend)
We have a sex candle next to the bed- anytime one of us has the itch

any ideas anyone else has please share them.

I see this as a time where I'm trying to get by for as long as I can in hope that I will truly start seeing and feeling for my wife what I did before.

Could not have said it better. Being able to look at your wife the way you use to is what hurts the most. I still see the affair when I look at her and that really hurts. I may try your ideas in hopes of getting closer without thinking about the affair.

Me too, I go back and look at pictures all the time to remind myself of who I fell in love with. The person I see now can change form one minute to the next depending on where my mind is at. I saw the pictures from "the girls trip" when she cheated and made sure all those cloths were trashed. Anything that reminds me of what happened goes in the garbage.

I would really like to find a guy that's 3+ years out of this and has some advise, if anyone knows someone, help me out.

Wow your kidding, My wife used a "girls trip" for one of her encounters also. . I'm only about 15 months out but I would like to find a guy that is 2+ or 3+ but from what I read (and I have read a lot) that it takes 2+ years for a real notice of recovery. I also made my wife trash some cloths but seeing her buy or wear sexy stuff makes me think of when she did that for him! and that is when I backslide and get really angry and sad.

Man, Just woke up crying this morning. I'm trying so hard to let myself feel in love with her again but, the harder I try the more it hurts, the more it brings up images of her cheating, the more it makes me doubt I can reconcile.

I really just want to learn how I can bury these memories.

I'm a month into knowing about what my wife did and everyday I ether have dreams about them together or me beating the guys head in and its the first thought in my head when I wake up and the last when I go to sleep but I have found facing the pain of the memories and talking to her everyday about what she did and why she did it helps me the pain gets easier to cope with on a daily basis but I still the flashes of intense pain and heartache knowing my wife isn't truly just mine anymore she threw away almost 18 years and came close to losing everything for a guy she says meant nothing like that makes it easier for me to know I feel he meant the world to her and I'm the one that meant nothing anyway I'm babbling just wanted to say I chose not to bury any feelings or memories I found it helps to face them not bury inside but everyone is different and everyones betrayal is different to an extent good luck with coping with this and ill be praying for you

Thanks Jay, I think I hold things in too much, to the point that I start to crack. And I also have thought of about 150 ways to destroy the man that was involved. Truth is, he's just some guy that doesn't matter now. He never promised me anything and very few guys will turn down a chance with a attractive woman. I know this but, still I'd probably hurt him badly if I saw him. Good for him he doesn't live in the US.

Well thank god you don't see the guy on a regular basis cause I see or hear him on our work radio a couple times a week yes she cheated on me with a guy a called a friend and work with almost everday and just hearing his voice sends me into a fit of rage but I've trained in martial arts most of my life a recognize when its coming and it takes everything in my power to control it but so far I've managed it not to mention that poor heavy bag I have is beating to a pulp but I have my kids to worry about and be responsible for and if I would stomp this guy through the floor like I want to I lose everything and it changes nothing he still had my wife physical and emotionally and now he would have a job without me here to remind him everyday that he's a piece of worm shit that doesn't deserve the breath god gave him and I refuse to give him that relief I want him to suffer mentally for as long as I'm around him and if the day ever comes me or him find another job and leaves here then ill make his nightmare a reality and truly show him the meaning of pain and suffering

How long do you think you should keep trying?-------As long as you can. No greater love has a man than he lay down his life for his friends. Seek first the kingdom of God!!!

Do you believe you can have a better marriage?-----------bitter or better is a simple choice. Not a simple task though. regardless, it's a choice. Situations and circumstances DO NOT control our destiny or our marriage, our choices and attitudes and actions do.

Are reminders always going to be a issue?-------choice---choose to forget, eventually you will/can. Never completely but it wont hurt much when you have made new memories and have new hopes and dreams. I dunno we're all different.

Do you feel like less of a man for taking her back?-----more of a man to be honest. I mean anyone can ditch the bitch, I did it many times in my youth. It's one of the reasons I stay now, I want to try something different.

Do you feel like you are being blamed for not being perfect?--------nope, nobodies perfect. No one person can meet the needs of another. We all need each other and shouldn't put all our eggs in one basket. Thats the hard part about marriage, Im not sure humans are designed for it. The family unit is essential to our survival though?!?! So figure that one out. Husband and wife and kids are the closest thing any of us will get to experiencing GODs love..it also teaches us forgiveness if we let it. Patience. Humility. Mercy. Comprimise. Who among you is w/out sin??? Cast the first stone....

Niki------YOU ARE SOOOOOOO GOOD ENOUGH!!!! You didnt deserve this and it's not your fault!!!!! Infidelity is a character flaw w the cheater. The temptation of a revenge affair crosses my mind when I see your pic, you are hot!!!! (If that's even your real pic, lol) Know that your are a desirable woman!!! I only mention it because I posted about wanting revenge b4---no offense, forgive me if I have.

Jay-------violence is not the answer, ever. You know it. So do I. I wish I didnt where the pos worked or what he looks like but I do. It is a challenge to not go inflict pain to no end on him and his whole family!!!! But we both know-----they're not worth it now are they? Temporary pleasure is what got our cheating spouses into this mess in the first place. Lets not stoop to their level. the high road my friends....

my advice...dont argue with your wife, dicker!

Thanks pauly I know violence isn't the answer but just saying if the oppertunity ever presented itself I'm just glad I'm not him but I wont go looking for it and I really liked what you said about feeling more like a man for facing the pain and not running away but I sometimes get the feeling she regrets me taking her back cause now she has to grow up and face me and what she did and can't honestly remember her actually saying she was grateful and thanking me for not just giving up on her like she thought I would but I do feel emotionally and physically inadequate in some ways which I guess is normal after my wife choose another man over me for whatever her reasons but I do know there's woman out there that would feel blessed have a man like me I just wished my wife felt that way or this would have never happen I didn't deserve this I've worshipped that girl since day one and still do but since Christmas I feel bad sometimes about doing it almost like she doesn't deserve it or me I can't figure for the life of me why I feel that way

because infidelity hurts. It hurts the betrayed and the betrayer. It destroys trust and romance. It kills people. Its a crime punishable by death in many countries still. Now we know why. There are many women out there, you are right...but we dont love them. Thats the prob. It's too bad that we are a reminder to our cheating spouses, just like us, they have triggers too. If it all goes south in the end we will hold our heads high knowing we took the high road. That is respectable imo! That means not throwing it in her face when we get mad, and things like that. Fight fair, be a man!!! Its perfectly ok to share your hurt when talking with her about it, but never bring it up as a weapon! You wont have to believe me, she already knows shes a .......

Well said sir you are truly a inspiration to a person like myself I've come to realize I am my own worst enemy in this I'm in constant battle with the side of me that's loves her no matter what and the side of me that says you're an idiot and she knows she can get away with it now so look out here comes the pain any day now

. put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. Colossians 3:12-15 NAS

Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2 NAS

Be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Ephesians 5:21 NAS

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves. Philippians 2:2-3 NAS

I am seven months out from finding out about my husband's affair. I know the statistics and studies say that gender affects how we cope or whether we stay, but really, I think we are faced with the same thing regardless of our gender--our spouse's betrayal, an overwhelming sense of despair, the memories, the regret, the pain, etc. My husband and I didn't separate, but because of that, he's had to live up close and personally with the depths of my devastation. I do feel like I've made a lot of progress over the last seven months; however, we have both down marital and individual counseling, and I have read tons of books. I would recommend "Surviving Infidelity," "After the Affair," and "Not Just Friends." I know that I am so much better than I was after I found out, when I thought that the pain was so much I couldn't breathe, couldn't face another moment. But I still hurt every day. We have both recommitted ourselves to our relationship, and we've taken great strides to work on it daily. I hope that we can make it work. I'm still hurt, still angry, still sad, still depressed, still scared, still embarrassed. I don't know what that means for my future. I'm trying to live in the moment and take things a breath at a time. Sometimes that is all I can do.

I don't write all of that to highjack your post and make it about me. I write that to tell you where I'm coming from--in approximately the same time frame as you. Again, I know there is a lot of research about gender, but I think it all comes down to the similar emotions. Therefore, do you think you can forgive her? My counselor says it's not forgetting; you can't ever forget, but can you forgive? Those are two different things (it seems obvious writing it, but it often is lumped together, and it just doesn't work that way).

I know I still have flashbacks every day. Sometimes it's of things that seem so obvious now that I should have caught at the time, or things that I had an inkling about and wish that I had pushed harder to find out more about it. Sometimes it's imagining the two of them together. Sometimes it's imagining what I wish I had said the one time that I spoke to her after I found out. Those memories and those flashbacks are what crush me the most, I think. Will those ever go away? I don't know. My counselor suggests that they will get fewer and farther in between, that before long the experience will seem less like "the event of my life" and become more of one that I remember as a "small part of a longer journey." I hope that's the case--for you, for me, for everyone who has faced this.

And as for your questions:

How long do you think you should keep trying? I think as long as you are asking that question, it's worth trying. I think if you had reached the point where you couldn't go any further, you would know absolutely.

Do you believe you can have a better marriage? I think ours is already better. There's still a lot of pain because of the infidelity, but we already talk better, spend more quality time together, work harder to stay connected. I will never see my husband as the person that I had on the pedestal before. Our relationship will be forever changed, but "changed" doesn't have to be bad. Just different.

Are reminders always going to be a issue? As I wrote above, my counselor suggests that these ebb with time. However, it's also up to us to find the best ways to cope with this that we can. One suggestion that I have found helpful is to use your five senses to focus on right now--take all the time to need to identify five things that you recognize with each of your senses (eg, I feel the air blowing from the vent, the scratch on my pants on my calves, my glasses sliding on my nose, the cool and stiff feel of the keyboard as I type, the tingle on my toes because they are cold--go through each of your five senses like this). It sounds weird, but it helps focus on the now. The pain of the past is really reliving a pain that's already hurt you, but doesn't necessarily have to hurt you (at least not the same way now). By focusing on this moment, it can help to try to live in this moment, to appreciate this moment, to cope with this moment. I think it's also helped me to process these memories. I've recently started telling my husband the basics of what pops into my head. Expressing it has helped me process it. It might be hard for him to hear it--and I don't tell him to drag him back through it or make him hurt more--but I need to process it to get over it. I don't know your situation, so that may or may not help you, but it's been a game-changer for me.

Do you feel like less of a man for taking her back? I couldn't answer this exactly as you asked it. I think we (the hurt partner) all question whether or not that makes us weak (for lack of a better word for how you asked it). I used to think that of people that stayed--that they were weak. How could they go back to someone who did that to them? Instead, now, I feel more empathetic to others who have been through this. I know that there are far more many circumstances that can contribute than what any outsider could possibly understand. Only you can decide what is best for you, and if that is giving your wife another chance, then no, that does NOT make you less of a man. I think it makes you a stronger one. It takes a lot stronger of a person to stay and cope with the hurt, the pain, the devastation than it does to stay long enough to evaluate what is best for that person, that relationship. Since each infidelity is different, it's often hard to say for certain. But I think it does not make you less of a man if you chose to give it another chance. If you truly love each other and are willing to recommit, what a gift it could be to have another shot.

Do you feel like you are being blamed for not being perfect? I don't feel like I'm being blamed necessarily. I feel unworthy of love. I feel insecure and uncomfortable in my own skin. I am embarrassed--humiliated even. I also started taking an anti-depressent (for the first time ever in my life), after which I gained 35 lbs (didn't ask about side-effects prior to taking it). So now, I feel even more unattractive--I feel fat and ugly, which does not help the emotive side of this at all. Most of all, I feel unappreciated for all of the things that I did RIGHT. If more married people spent time focusing on what their spouses do right, there would be less told themselves that their needs aren't being met, so they wouldn't be able to justify straying. This is so hard for me--I did so much for him that it really pisses me off that during that time he focused on what I didn't do. I don't feel like I was blamed for not being perfect, but I feel like he villified me to justify what he did.

Sorry, but to clarify...on this statement:

Only you can decide what is best for you, and if that is giving your wife another chance, then no, that does NOT make you less of a man. I think it makes you a stronger one. It takes a lot stronger of a person to stay and cope with the hurt, the pain, the devastation than it does to stay long enough to evaluate what is best for that person, that relationship.

I meant it "...than it does NOT to stay...."

With kind and wise words such as the ones you used you are welcome to hijack my post anytime you want. I especially love the part about the technique about using your 5 senses to bring yourself back to now instead of the past where the most intense pain is and I will use it everyday cause as I said this guy is around me almost everyday and the fits of pain turn into rage and the things I used to calm myself aren't working as well as before thanks again to everyone for their opinion and advice I truly count all of you as friends thanks again and god bless

Hell, just reading the posts on here helps me get through the day and stops me from focusing on my pain. I come here to make sure the thoughts and feelings I have are not crazy and I end up reading and trying to support others that are going through the same thing. It's been 15 months for me and finding something to focus on to stop the reminders or triggers really does help, like trw said "focus on the now" and you will start to feel better for a while. I am still waiting for the day I don't think about it one time. But I know it will come.
trw, the books you have read, I have read all of them and Marriage Builders web site is a great resource, they also have a blog for posting infidelity issues. I recommend it to cheaters and betrayed.
Thanks

Thanks for all the input and advise. I took some time off from here to give myself a break. I'm working on a plan to end our seperation and have used alot of the advise I received from all of you. We are going to give it one more try and see if we can find peace in our relationship. I was at a point where if I stayed seperated much longer, I felt I wasn't coming back. I feel good about coming back and while I still feel pain from what she did, I'm getting better at coping with it, I think. For the next few months while we are together, I'm focusing on finding peace of mind. Outlining the things that only WE have shared together. You know when you first start to date someone, they've had other partners and you've had other partners (in most cases) - somehow I think alot of this needs to go in that memory celler and the door needs to be shut. Self-realize that at some point, there are things you don't want to think about. For me, I'm going to try to not give it thought, which isn't the same as forgetting about it. I mean I'm going to try to stop reliving it. Hope it will slide out of being the most important thing happening now. My shrink says your brian will focus it's attention of what's most important right now.

I wish you all peace and hope you find your way to letting love have it's day. -Shumi

Would like to suggest you read Kellie Montgomery (SG therapist) post on "THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE" posted 2/7/12, as a guide of "what & what not" to do to accomplish your goals for a better relationship while rebuilding a new one.

Wanted to post to keep this thread going. I really like the topic. It's been 15 months since d-day and the pain is still here. I went to get my wife a Valentines day card and as I was reading them I thought I was going to have a break down right there in the store. I got upset and angry and had to leave. Then on v-day she gave me a simple card, nothing written, just signed. I could not pull myself to get her anything for v-day and I feel so bad. I want to get her things and make her happy its just so hard to come to terms with the affair and all that she gave to the other man. (am I wrong to feel this way?)

vm, I'm sorry & your not wrong for feeling this way & your already aware that both of you have to WANT to re-build this relationship over a long period of time.

If your treating eachother good/special (as much as you can) 364days/yr. then that one day wont make a difference (read that on FB thought it was SO true).

Well me and my wife agreed to overlook V-day this year meaning I'm just about 2 months into finding out about the other guy but on the way home from work she mentioned she had a headache so I decided to hit walmart and grab some meds for her and while walking past the V-day stuff I couldn't help but start picking stuff out I guess its just habit after 17 years and I like you started reading through cards and then reality hit me like a mack truck on back ofa locomotive riding the space shuttle I did drop a few tears standing there but realized I'm not letting her mistakes dictate my life and now that I know his goal in all this was to get my wife to leave me and be his girlfriend for a time I refuse to let him feel he's beaten me all they did was make me a stronger person than I ever thought possible and I'm dedicated to making this work and showing him and her what the difference is between real love and lust is love if its real and powerful enough can overcome any obstacle put in front of it and I throw it in his face every chance I get how she chose me over him and we're moving forward with our lives while he is alone and probably will be most of his life cause a person like him is incapable of true love and devotion he wanted what me and my wife had but failed to realize it takes 2 ppl to make a marriage go on for 18 years and yes he happen to catch her and me at a weak moment and almost managed to destroy us but it didn't work he picked the wrong guy for that all he did was wake me up to the problems I was overlooking and reminded me how much I truly love my wife and when I'm done punching him repeatedly in the face I will wait till he wakes up and thank him then knock his ass out again cause yes I'm the better man but mean SoB when it comes to threatening my family