shumi: Years ago when my husband took a girlfriend while we separated for a different reason, I was devastated but able to overcome the infidelity. It didn't occur in 4 weeks, though. Plan on it taking many months, and that is assuming your wife is cooperating with your grieving. I am concerned that she pulls away when you have a bad day. That is when she needs to step up and prop you up even more. If she is not willing to confront the pain she caused, and is distancing herself if you express pain, then that will be a problem for you getting over this. It is too soon to make a decision about whether or not you will stay or go. Yes, you can be happy again.

I agree with Soft, I'm in the middle of a big rebuilding. It's been almost four months since I found out and it still hurts just as much if not more in different ways than then when I initially found out. I've forgiven the physical acts but the emotional side is much harder to deal with. I've been in counseling for 6 weeks for myself and she has gone for herself finally the last few weeks. We have have been to marriage counseling since April and we both are reading alot of books on the subject. It's just a very difficult thing to overcome for a myriad of reasons but not impossible. It's very trying and both have to be patient and willing participants. Trust is the most influential thing that must be gained back and you must give it and they must earn it. Both must be willing to make changes in order to not repeat history and forgive but never forget. There must be support for each other and complete honesty. I have good days with my wife and not so good good days. The good days are becoming more frequent but I still feel the pain and have my issues with her falling out of love and I feel insecure and that is for her to help me with. She's coming along but it will change everything forever trust me. They take something away that can never be brought back. You can have a stronger relationship just not the one, the ideal one; you once had.

Soft and Lego39,

Thank you so much for your response. I don't have anyone that I know that fully understands what I'm feeling.

Soft, if we are doing well to reconcile, when should I start feeling like a human being again? Is it something that just builds a little at a time? At what point did you feel like you made the right choice? It seems to me that when you lose 100% trust, you try to compensate with building other parts of the relationship even stronger.

lego39 - It sounds like you guys are on the right track. At this point, how is your wife dealing with your pain? I'm afraid that mine is wearing out already. I've always been such a strong person, I don't think she realized how much damage she could do to me. I need to tell her that this will take alot of time. I believe she thinks this will be fixed in a few months.

Soft- I keep reading "Yes, you can be happy again"
In what ways is your relationship better than before?

Shumi: Well, I do not want to burst your bubble about my happiness, because I filed for divorce from this same man and my divorce was final two days ago. However, and take this to heart, my decision to divorce had nothing whatsoever to do with his infidelity. I still love him very much, and he is my soulmate, but we have different ideas about what marriage looks like, and 7 years after our reconciliation from infidelity, I decided to divorce. We are still very connected. Don't let that story scare you. Now.... when did I start to feel better? I found out about the affair as I was walking out the door to go to dinner with my sister for my 40th birthday. Nice, huh? The bitch called me and told me. After many days of total shock, and a negative HIV test (cost me $400!!!), I was able to call my husband at work. I think he was surprised that I remained relatively calm. I told him that I was not prepared to make a decision, and that I would let him know when I was ready to decide what to do. In the meantime, the gf wanted me to scream at him and file for divorce. The more I stayed calm, the madder she got. She took her anger out on him, and that drove him to dump her. We began seeing each other for a small amount of time every week or so. About 10 weeks after the bomb was dropped, he asked me to take a weekend with him. So, I did. We had a four hour drive to our destination, and about halfway there, I finally said, "You really hurt me." From there, he spilled everything that I needed to know about it. The girl called his phone and left nasty messages the whole time we were gone. He was trying to be an open book, so he gave me his phone and told me to listen to her messages. I told him, no, she isn't important to me, that is your problem to deal with as you like. I think that blew him away. I told him that if I had to monitor his behavior, calls, etc. I would rather be alone. I think that also blew him away. Honestly, over time, I completely forgot about it, unless I was in a very weak and insecure moment. There were times when I would want to call him at work and grill him, and I would stop myself from doing so, because I already knew what I needed to know. I had to forgive him his weakness and selfishness, or walk away from the marriage. I loved him, so I chose to forgive. It was a choice, not a feeling that washed over me that everything was okay, but a conscious decision to leave it in the past. I still love my NON husband very much. I believe it is possible that we will rework and redefine a new relationship. It is too soon for you to feel great. You will live with the knowledge of the infidelity forever. Forgiving is a choice, and if your partner knows she is forgiven, she may feel much more open to discussing your pain. I know for me, I didn't ask about it any more after maybe the first 8 months.

Thanks, I will be patient and hold off any decision making for a while. I'm going to base my decision on what I think will be best for me. If I can feel like we can be happy together and I'm not living a tourtured existance, then we will stay together. If I'm still haunted and "bad days" aren't getting any better and she's not putting enough effort into the healing, I will leave. I think it's fair to put my needs and future happiness first. I will work on plans for either path and try to forgive her either way. "Don't sacrifice today's joy for tomorrow's pain"

Shumi

Shumi.... just remember forgiveness isn't for her it is for you.... If you stay then you will forgive but not forget, if you leave you will be able to move on. Forgiveness allows us to start moving on. It has been about a month since I found out about my husbands infidelity, and I know what you mean about not feeling human. Oh how I wish I could take a selfish day and run away from it all. But my two kids need me. My latest issue is learning to not resent him for it all. It isn't easy, sometimes I look at him and think "you asshole how could you do this to me and my kids I HATE YOU" I never say it, but it is hard to know something so painful. There are times we are together and he touches me or we try to be intimate and I think did he enjoy her more?? She is much thinner than me and I think is that what he wants? I just had a baby my body is nothing special. I wonder if he ever loved her, or if he even loves me. Infidelity isn't fair... it steals something from the betrayed and makes us question ourselves... it isn't fair. I hope the best for you.... how are things on your end??

Shumi you've gotten wonderful advice & yes do give yourself much needed time as it is a process & different types of time frames for healing for each person & the progress that they make from learning from the experience & taking responsibility for where the relationship went into the ditch to begin with.

Usually things lie in ones past history, the way one is raised, genetic links if applicable or traumatic experiences that can contribute to certain issues in relationships or the lack thereof not being capable of knowing HOW or taught to communicate to eachother openly for a better outcome for alls emotional well being.

Glad your here friend & working things through & keep an opened mind.

April

mommy2two, I have good days and bad ones. I'm having trouble trusting our past. There are some red flags that I've discovered that are further back than this affair but nothing comfirmative. I'm not sure if I'm parinoid or "once a cheater always a cheater" applys to her. She promised me that this was the only time but, it's hard to trust anything she says. I think we are making progress but it's 2 steps forward then 1 step back. Personally, I'm doing better at eating and sleeping and I feel like the worst is over. My mind is starting to clear up and my obsessing is declining. I know that I'm not perfect and I cheated on a girlfriend when I was 21, I should be able to understand human nature and that we all have weaknesses that can be hurtful to the ones we love.

How are you doing? I don't think you should worry about if he enjoyed her more. If he married you and you have 2 kids, I'm sure he enjoyed you the most.

April, I think you may be onto something. She is 1 of 4 sisters. The 3 of them that got married have all cheated on their husbands. Her dad was in the military and I wonder if her mom was doing the same thing???

Shumi: If once a cheater, always a cheater doesn't apply to you (from when you were 21), then it's also possible that it doesn't apply to her. In my case, my now ex-husband had a 'tool kit' of things he did when he was overwhelmed, stressed, and not coping. The 'tool kit', which he broke out twice in our 12 years, included 1. a new car 2. a skanky stranger to have sex with 3. a new cell phone 4. a new apartment. The second time it happened, May 12 of this year, I knew what I could expect, given that he had done it to me once in 2002. So... before he could do steps one through four, I filed for divorce. He did them all anyway. I believe your partner is capable of learning new coping skills when things are bothering her. She wanted to be in a fantasy. That is an escape mechanism for when she isn't coping. As long as she learns to recognize when she isn't handling things, and comes up with a plan for what to do when it happens, I think you two will have a long, happy future.

Soft- I have also seen a pattern. She goes to Florida with "The girls" and hooked up with a guy then continued the relationship online. She promised me that it was the first time but, I now know that she met a guy last year as well and exchanged emails with him. I have no proof that that something happened between them but, it's something that I'll have to confront her with soon and it's already making me a nervious wreck. If this has happened before, I don't think I can handle it. I'm afraid that all the progress I've made will be for nothing.

Shumi: At some point, you will have to decide how much you are willing to babysit this grown woman's behavior. It will drive you crazy long before it drives her crazy. I wish she would voluntarily give up computer, fb account, trips with girls to Florida, without you having to ask. If she did that on her own, it would show that she is sensitive to how her actions have impacted you. She is the one who should be walking around like a nervous wreck, not you.

What Soft said.....

Thanks ladies, big hugs to you. I hope you're doing well and staying strong. I wish I could help you as much as your helping me.

4 month update-

I forgive her. We seem to be able to get past this. I have been seeing a counciler monthly and that has helped (mostly with making sure I'm not going crazy) - I'm learning to cope with things better and am starting to see that a future with us together is what I want. She has been supportive and gone through great lengths to make me happy again. No doubt there will be bad days and I'm trying to keep my head together and think subjectively when they happen. Thank you all that helped me when I was going through the traumatic shock of the first few months. I can honestly say that it's been the strengh of friends and some strangers that have kept me going when times were rough. I'm looking forward to this year being over and a fresh 2012 to get my life back on track. I feel conifidant that my strength is returning and that our marriage, which just survived a near death experiance, will be better in many ways.

Take care and remember, whatever decision you make is the right one, because you are only human too. -Shumi

shumi: Yay! A success story! I am happy for how you and your wife turned out. Marriage after infidelity was not a choice I wanted to make, and I have taken a different path. It is nice to know you were able to stay and work it out to your satisfaction.

Shumi, thanks for the wonderful update & do enjoy a NEW beginning together.