Your not a bad person. I would however caution you about th husbnds true emotions and where his heart truly is. My wife had a platonic affair for about a uear that eventually blossomed into a physical encounter. I read the texts and e mail messages that were sent between the two and was convnced that she truly had experienced a change of heart. I feel that the affair would have gone on forever had I not discoverd it. Once I did and it was an open issue, she immediately ended it and has been begging for fogiveness ever since. I dont know if you have ever been married but I can tell you from my own experience that sometimes, when marriags become stagnamt, it can be easy to find comfort anywhere becase you are desperately looking for comfort....anywhere. Sounds like your a good friend who got caught up in hat very complicated dynamic and you are to be commended. For stepping back and allowing things to take their natural course...... Like that unfortunately over used saying. "If you love something set it free...."
Best of luck

Thank you Gino for commenting. I know its for the best that him and I nolonger have any contact. I never once had any intentions of destroying there home. I realized one day I was in love with her husdand, and that same day accepted the fact that him and I would never be an "us" and I was okay with that. I lived life for three years knowing that friendship is all we would ever have, and it killed me me inside yet I couldn't hide from him that way I felt and neither could he. We kept each other at arms length out of respect for his wife, but I guess that wasn't good enough. Though I was wrong in the role I played, that doesn't mean the hurt I feel is any less than hers. I am in love with her husband as is she. While she will forgive him, and I know she will, I walk around empty because so much of me went with him. Its so easy for others to say I'm the one at fault, and I should be ashamed. I never thought i'd see the day where loving someone was wrong. I feel as if I'm greiving for someone who is alive and well. I'd give anything to wake up from this nightmare which is now my reality.

It takes a special kind of strength to put the needs of others before your own. Your friendship has a good chance of surviving this, but a relationship other than friendship would not have lasted because you obviously have consience and thats a good thing.
Hang in there heavyheart it only hurts for a while and you'le be proud of yoour decision in the end. Time will tell if that marriage will make it and if not proceed as you would like. In the meantime, look for other confident's and keep busy, its the idle hours that will drive you crazy.

It takes a special kind of strength to put the needs of others before your own. Your friendship has a good chance of surviving this, but a relationship other than friendship would not have lasted because you obviously have consience and thats a good thing.
Hang in there heavyheart it only hurts for a while and you'le be proud of yoour decision in the end. Time will tell if that marriage will make it and if not proceed as you would like. In the meantime, look for other confident's and keep busy, its the idle hours that will drive you crazy.

Even in the mist of my hurt I pray that they will make it. Not a minute goes by where I hope my wrong doings crumble what they have, even if that means I'll never see him again. I truly love him and if me disappearing is what they need inorder to repair and rebuild, though I'm not ready its what I'll do. You are correct it is the idle hours and the moments between my smiles that are the hardest. For he once filled those gaps. Maybe I'm misunderstanding what you are saying as far as our friendship having a chance of surviving this. Our friendship is what has created this nightmare and his wife forbids him to have any contact with me. So from here on out as I see it I believe our friendship is over.

I believe you are taking the noble high ground.

HeavyHearted, I've been where you are, almost 30yrs. ago and it is a very long, lonely path to follow and for that my heart goes out to you, Do try to see SOME good side to this, in that you didn't have a child with him, so at least the situation wasn't more complicated then necessary.

There still can be friendship, yet it will take a lot of time for everyone to be capable of considering that fact and it really depends on the people (you, him&her) and their marriage CAN survive this, I can attest to that fact. Please give yourself the respect you so deserve as you've given them respect in refraining from contacting him and that says a lot about you my friend.

I'm glad you continue staying with us as you don't have to walk through this alone.

p.s. vwytche has already given you very constructive advice, which you were very receptive, grateful & kind in receiving, again that says a lot about you.

Thank you April for posting. Yes I know for a fact their marriage will survive this, there is no doubt in my mind. As for him and I being friends again you are not the first to tell me that, yet I won't allow myself to believe it. I can't allow myself to be hopefully of that when its a chance that it also may not happen. What woman in her right my would let her husband once again befriend another woman when her husband has confessed to her that he loves me and is very much in love with me. Him and I never wanted to end our friendship. She is the one that made him end it. I'm courious though what makes you say that there is a possibility that we could be friends again?

I've remained friends w/my 27yr. old sons father & his wife since '84, yes it was a long process for all of us (especially her) but holding a grudge was not in her character, so you may be wrong about this mans wife, it all takes time my friend and none of us ever really know now do we.............

I pray I am wrong about her. I would love nothing more than to be able to fix this for all of us involved and move forward. If you don't mind me asking..... was your son was the product of your relationship with the married man? And you said you was in my shoes 30 yrs ago, how did your affair come to an end, and how long was it before you and him were able to be friends again? I hope you are not offended by my questions, if so I apologize in advance.

Yes..... my wonderful son is a product of that affair, it took me years, looking back (reflecting/learning/soul searching/therapy ) that he(my sons dad) would talk in half truths I realized and I was naive back then (27).

It took 7yrs. to get my sons father to talk to his wife, it was horribly depriving for all of us, especially for my son, it wasn't until I ended the so called relationship, married & moved out of state (CA) that he finally told her and both of them (him & his wife) started years of therapy, individually. We all knew we could come together w/a common ground of humanity & respect for what each of us brought into the situation that led things on its course and what was necessary to be learned from the mistakes. Takes mature people to do that and ALOT of time learning.

Cant really recall how many years to become friends again, but again, as I reflect back, we were always friends since '77, so do keep that in mind. My son, daughter inlaw & 3yrs. old grandson fly home (Ca) to visit all of them each year & he's my FB friend too.

She may contact you someday so be prepared to accept that fact as your already aware of.

Keep asking questions hon, its a learning process and your doing beautifully, I wish I could assure you that it can happen, yet I know right now you may not be capable of being receptive to that fact yet.

Thank you for answering my questions I really appreciate it! I'm just trying to gain understanding. I don't know anyone who has been through this before. The two of my friends that know can only offer me generic advice for they don't really understand it. They tell me "it'll be ok" or to just "forget him" but its not that simple. I love him and its killing me not being able to talk to him, and it pains me knowing that he is hurting and I though I havnt heard firsthand I know his wife is hurting too. My intentions were to never hurt her. I must say a tiny part of me feels relieved for I feel this "relationship" would have gone on forever. Him and I were at a point of no return, and neither of us probably would have ever ended it. I imagine in my old age I would have looked back on life and realized I could have had so much more. Though I am very much in love with him i'd give almost anything to truly and only be strickly friends with him. To have his wife know that I know the what I did was wrong and trust that we are strickly just friends, but I guess time will tell. As far as her one day contacting me, I would love nothing more than to hear whatever she feels the need to get off her chest and to truly apologize to her. I hope in her heart she doesn't hate me and can forgive me, but like I said time will tell. I want to ask you, do you think the three of you were all able to be friends because of your son? If your son didn't exist do you think the three of you would be friends?

There are probably millions that have gone through the same thing. No, you'll never forget him, but you will continue marching forward & with more wisdom now from this experience.

I'm sure, in time his wife WILL realize your feelings and probably begin to look within herself for much need answers as to WHY the relationship ran into the ditch to begin with, thats REALLY what this is all about reflection, so you may not be a glit on her radar screen for awhile yet, I wasn't contacted til about 3mos. passing.

You've asked another excellent question (good for you), NO, I don't think ALL of us would be friends if my son wasn't in the picture, I would, however, remain friends with him, as I mentioned you'll never forget him & the intimacy (emotionally) that you both shared, thats something, my dear, that happens once in a lifetime, just do your best to not make another bad decision in the future (as I did) which is why I'm here......UGH.......

Once again thank you for sharing your story with me. You are really helping me out alot! And yes you are right I won't ever forget him. I don't even try to forget him, I just try not to let thoughts of him consume me. I actually woke up this morning and didn't cry, and that to me was just a little more hope that I will be ok! I was on the internet reading about these types of situations and came across a women who was telling her story and she said......"But to me, life and relationships is not about forevers', it's about the bonds you build and enjoy along the way, the experiences we each have-good and bad and what we can learn about ourselves and our lives along the way." Her statement really made me realize that nothing does last forever and if it was worth while you'd appreciate the good with the bad. Learn what was meant for you to learn and move on. Though the moving on is the tough part, I have to move on, and though I love him, the idea of moving on doesn't seem so bad anymore!

But I must say after thinking about it, though I welcome it, I am a little nervous about if his wife does contact me. I don't know what to expect. I don't know if she'll cry, be angry, or just down right disgusted with me. I don't know whether she'll be calm or even get violent. I've never been one to like surprises, and fear of the unknown scares me a little, but I guess its what I have to deal with since its my choices that have gotten me where I am. As for you how did his wife go about contacting you? And what was your reaction?

And you've been in this situation one more than one occasion? I must say I believe I've learned my lesson. Just yesterday I was thinking to my self that maybe I hurt so much because I love him so much. That somehow my punishment is that my hurt is equilvilent to the love I feel for him.....and I hurt bad! Then I realized how silly that sounds! Lol

And another question, as a person who has no actual ties to him. If the opportunity to be friends again arose, would it be wise to once again be friends or would you think its best to keep moving on?

She called me and threatened to sue me, she told me I'd be hearing from her attorney, that never happened, and I DID try to explain that I paid for everything so there wouldn't be any financial impact at least and did apologize, she wouldn't/couldnt hear it then. She had every right to be angry, yet years later she'd realized that her relationship w/him was non-exsistant due to the fact that people DO detach sometimes throughout years of marriage or grow apart and then have to turn it all around to salvage whats important to them if they care to. I can almost tell you how this is affecting both of them & what may transpire in & out over time w/both of them, it could be a new beginning, at first, and then over time start heading south again as folks don't want to have to keep reliving/discussing what was created, doesn't make one feel real sexy huh.

No, I have only been through this once, thank goodness, I couldn't recognize back then, the "half truths" he was telling me, he said he was separated, said he had an apartment, I found out about 1yr. later that infact the Company rented an apartment (Los Angeles) for out of town project managers to stay at as that was cheaper then hotel expenses (written off on expense accts) so he obviously wasn't separated either, he just went back-n-forth between places (a lot of people do this) who would really ever know unless one is the type of person that has esteem issues and doesn't trust anyone, that wasn't who I was, I am more so now but don't let it take over my life. I actually felt foolish to not have had more wisdom/experience and caught myself MUCH sooner & taken a different path.

I don't think being friends hurts anyone, yet usually people WANT more eventually, I held the key there in that I wasn't going down that road again. Him & I just talk on the phone about my son or grandson& daughter in-law or via FB, so again thats up to you, only you can sense when a line is being crossed while keeping YOUR best interests at heart.

I'm here in reference to my 20yr. marriage, you can click on my pic or name to see why, yet its not real relevant anymore as I've come a long way AGAIN, its a whole other can of worms lol.

Keep asking questions, how else are folks going to learn.

Oh wow, that's drastic of her! But I guess anger will make you do some crazy things. I see that our situations are a little different! Though I hate to use the term in this instance I will, my "married man" and I started off as strickly friends. We talked, laughed, and had fun, nothing more. Then we both started to fall for each other but never said anything for a year. Me because he was married, him because he was married. I looked at it as an unfortunate situation of a right thing at the wrong time, and thought nothing else of it! I knew and was ok with only ever just being friends with him. We developed such a close strickly platonic relationship where we were able to discuss any and everything with each other, and soon discussing how we felt about each other was no secret yet we still both knew that nothing would come of it, and both of us were okay with it. Its weird we were two people very much in love with each other, and though it was a daily struggle we never acted on it during our almost four year friendship. However his wife came across the messages regarding how we felt about each other and here I am now. Though very much in love we were never lovers, so of course I don't feel like I lost a lover I feel as if I lost my best friend. After reading your response I realized that not being friends with him will probably be best, because I refuse to go behind his wife back, and if him and I can't be friends with her knowledge then we can't be friends. I love him but I can't put myself back into the postion I am in, and it would only be a matter of time that his wife would find out again if we were friends again. See I told you you're a great help! Lol.

Sometimes when I thinking about this situation I feel as if there are questions I'm suppose to be aking but aren't. Are there any questions you'd ask me in order to help me gain further understanding?

I think vwytche (on your other post) has given you many thoughts to consider in gaining more knowledge/understanding of what YOU need & want in the future, should you want to choose a mature, solid foundation relationship to build, once you feel you've gained enough insight from this experience and move past it somewhat.

We can't think of everything we need to ask because its a process, so ask whatever, whenever, as the thought arises, heck therapy takes years for a lot of folks to walk through the wreckage of the past to begin to acknowledge & start moving forward, and YOU have a head start and thank goodness your willing to listen to some of us older folks and learn from our mistakes, that says a lot about you & how respectful you really are and for that I thank you.

It'll be hard hon, but at least your not in DENIAL.

Yes I am indeed learning from you. So much weight has been lifted off of my shoulders just having someone to talk to that understands. I breathe a little easier now. Struggling with constant thoughts of him is difficult but I'm making it day by day. I must say I find it hard being approached by men, which happens frequently. All I hear now is "you are a beautiful girl why do you look so sad?" If I had a dollar for everytime I've heard that i'd be rich! Then the pick up lines begin, and they use my sad demeanor and all seem to ask me what's wrong and then act if they are able to "save me"! I must say it makes me angry. So angry to the point where I just turn them down before they can go on any further. Honestly I feel as if I'm saving them!.....from me! I'd feeling guilty accepting to get to know someone who is interested in me. No man should have to deal with a woman who's heart is with another man whom she essentially helped cheat on his wife. Most days I feel I am harder on myself than his wife could ever be, but I guess that's something I'll have to deal with also.......

You are being hard on yourself but thats part of the process and your correct not to enter into another relationship until you feel you've learned enough from this, you'll be more confident/prepared too.

I felt that way about that type of attention from men and it did leave a chip on my shoulder, I still have it to this day, yet know how to follow my inner voice, instincts now, so feel a bit stronger w/making better choices w/choosing a partner......wished I'd learned more of the psychology end 20yrs. ago, that would have come in handy but thats alright, learned some of that 5yrs. ago to take forward w/me.They teach that in high school now.....go figure......