Fck it...Taking Control

Sounds like you are determined! :) I'm glad you can find it in your heart to forgive your wife. I know it must have been difficult. But remember, trust is earned. I hope you dont work on this by yourself... she needs to work on earning your trust too. Both of you can do this together. And working together with this goal in mind will make you both stronger as individuals and as a couple :) I know, because my fiance and I are going through the same thing. There are great resources that can help you move forward without holding a grudge, and can help her work on earning your trust... I have found loads of books that can help. Usually I can find them pretty inexpensive at used book stores like Half priced books, hastings, and amazon.

Best of luck :)
Sincerely, Lily

I get this and I have even made this choice, only to be knock down by a newly discovered lie. Talk to your wife. Tell her of your trust and resolve and ask her if there is anything that she hasn't told you that could derail you. It is so hard to get back on track after you have been knock off over and over. I pray that you know everything and that yours is a one way ticket out of limbo.

Thanks guys,

You are right, trust is earned - she does all i ask in order to help build it back up.
This recent revelation is by no means the "magic bullet"...its just a decision to truly move forward....i think the last 5 months was my time to really determine if I REALLY wanted to stay together and rebuild.... even though when this first blew up, i said we will try and make it work....i think deep down, i wasnt sure. So I would dwell on all the crazy bad shit....i would embrace and pour gasoline on the fire of my anger and sadness.... i would resist thinking about the good in my wife..if i felt happiness , i would sub consiously not allow myself to feel good about our future...real crazy stuff.

As far as knowing everything - I am pretty sure I do. Shes good like that and answered all my questions. I know all of the gory details (and it was BAD)...as much as it hurt her to tell and hurt me to hear - i needed to know all i could. Not knowing would be far worse for me. Of coarse there will always be stuff that they shared that I may nevr know 100%... I cant expect her to remember and tell me every word they ever spoke together...or every date and time they had sex...I do know it lasted a very long time and evolved and ran its coarse.... It was real bad - but, the past is a bitch....cant be controled or changed..just want to control the things i am able to. If she is in and doing all she can to make me feel comfortable, truly loved , respected, etc. - well i am now truly in too...feels good. Thanks again for your comments - really appreciate it.

I wish you luck and pray that you succeed in your marriage. I am motivated by your commitment and passion to get your life back. I felt and feel the same way. It's been almost 15 months since D-Day for me and I can say my wife is doing what she knows how to make things work but I acted and dealt with the affair the same way you were, fueling the fire with anger and crazy thoughts. Just a few hours ago I had a trigger that made my gut turn and I got really sad really quick, but I noticed what I was doing and told myself "fuck it, be happy and don't wast another moment on the past". I know I can never forget the past but I can learn from it.
I know what you mean by stepping up and being a man and going forward. Wives that have affairs don't realize how much they really can hurt us "emotionless men" (societies view of men). I think they feel we don't have feelings sometimes because we don't expose or show that side of us often, but for the wives out there reading this , we do have feelings and we do love our families and our wives more than anything in the world (at least I do).

Thanks very much Vmmusa - I appreciate it...

Dont think I'll ever forget this mess......but , you nailed it bro, I am trying to re claim my life...
it got snatched away from me (you know how that feels)... So, if i cant allow my self to move forward, forgive, enjoy our time together and i just nurture all the bad thoughts...then what the hell am i doing ??? i Should just get the fuckin divorce at that point. But, I think we are in similar circumstances, where our wives have much love for us and totally regret what took place.....We still love them, so wow , what an unfortunate divorce that would be...we would miss eachother, both be crushed, kids (2 small kids) be devestated...it would be a real shame.

So, we are gonna do this...and if we're gonna do it - i gotta be strong.
How are you after 15 months ? you dont happen to live in New York area do you?
Love to grab a beer and bullshit with you one day.

Well, it isnt easy...Ive made progrees and having more good than bad days...but it is still really hard not getting upset, sad and really angry from time to time. Really wanted my life back, but , sadly, i think this burden will never ever fully go away. god dammit..

Went to a wedding over the weekend...hearing the bride and groom exchanging vows made me wanna puke in my own mouth...empty words i thought..

I was able to squash it and my wife and i actually had a really good time together laughing and joking around with some people we met...but the ride home , for some reason I lost it... and said stuff that i should not have and made my wife feel like crap...

Was also thinking about upcomming wedding for one of her close friends..she is a co worker as well as friend of my wife...i think that most of the people going from their work place kind of know what happened (wifes affair was with a co worker).. anyway the guy she had affair with wont be there (lucky bastard), but many others who work there will be...part of me wants to hide out and not go..but, the other half of me wants to go and show that my wife and i are good and strong. I dont know..just one more problem that this cluster fuck of a situation has created. Thanks for allowing me to vent a bit...

anyway, it is getting easier to deal with ... but all it takes is some little reminder or specific circumstance to trigger bad thoughts...i wonder if this ever stops? or will i be an old man somewhere 50 yrs from now still reacting to triggers ? Guess we just need to take it day by day.

Keep going with your mantras - you have the right way of thinking. But yes, I think those triggers will pop up from time to time. But like all catastrophic events, the further out you get from the event the better. You'll get less and less of those pop ups. Just keep creating new fabulous memories with her, and reflect on those when those triggers happen.

As far as the vows business. You might want to revisit that issue with yourself or a therapist. Because it seems like a hot-button. Have you and your wife considered renewing your vows sometime in the future? that might help. just an idea.

I have so much respect for your forgiveness and motivation to move forward in your marriage! May I suggest marriage counceling to guide you both? You need someone to talk to that understands all that you feel. Or perhaps counceling at your church? Its ok to get guidance from someone.

Thanks to you both.

We actually renewed vows this past Feb....which was 5 months after I found out about her affair. It really felt good, it felt special and we had a great weekend(kids were at grandparents)...

But,going to an ACTUAL wedding and hearing the vows in front of all the people there watching the ceremony...hearing two people proclaim in front of all of their family and dear friends just made me really distressed. How do you get from that point of "wedding day/vows" to having a double life that includes emotional intimacy and exchanging bodily fluids with another person?

It just messes with me..

I am my own worst enemy sometimes and it is hard to stay on track...but , set backs and difficult days are to be expected...I am however back on track and sticking to commitment to take control over my thoughts when they drift into very dark places.

This site is helpful, people here like you are helpful - thanks again.

I am sure at some point again I will be in bug out mode and posting here and getting feed back truly helps work through the tough days.

PS. therapy does help, but it is frustrating...When I go to a doctor if I am sick, I get medicine, a shot or surgery - then I am better.....however, no surgery or medicine can fix me right up and send me on my way for this problem..